Movember, train beers, and fighting a gorilla

It’s been a bumper week in the men’s world, with some incredible research accompanied by some equally incredible memes. This combination of high and low brow, if we can call it that, perfectly encapsulates for me, the best, and the challenges of men in our time.

Firstly, the Movember Institute of Men’s Health issued their report on Young Men in the Digital Age. I highly recommend reading the report, which confirmed some narratives we already suspected about what young men are experiencing, and at the same time uncovered some surprising statistics.

The report surveyed over three thousand young men in the UK, US and Australia and interestingly, found that those who follow so called ‘masculine influencers’ feel more positive about the future social circumstances of men when compared to men who don’t follow these accounts. They reported ‘more optimism about their personal circumstances’ and rated highly the importance of emotional control and exercise.

It doesn’t take too long for it to become apparent though that virtues like stoicism, financial literacy, and physical health can become harmful if taken to extremes. These men are more likely to train through injury, for example (I’m writing with a herniated disc, wishing I had thought more about this myself). They also are less likely to look after their mental health. They prioritise wealth in male friends more highly than those who don’t watch this content, and perhaps most alarmingly, hold more negative views about women and their role in relationships.

This is the perniciousness of the manosphere exposed for all to see; it’s growing because it works. The men who consume this information feel better for a while, until they don’t. As an alcoholic, it makes me think of substance abuse. The drug works because it fulfils a need. And it works until it doesn’t. Ultimately, it’s a way to avoid doing the real work of finding peace without the need to numb oneself. In the case of the manosphere, the real work is in making meaningful connection and finding purpose in one’s life. As Jon Alexander writes in his incredible book Citizens “Our individual wants have been fetishised…and many of us are working harder whilst our actual needs…for healthy ecosystems, coherent societies and resilient relationships are increasingly unmet and underserved”.

Which brings me to the other end of the zeitgeist spectrum, and what to me reveals a beautiful aspect of male culture, and shows once again why true connection is so important as an antidote to loneliness and the pervasive, floating listlessness that has men following false prophets and charlatans.

I am speaking, of course, about the debate as to whether one hundred men could defeat one gorilla in unarmed combat. This is the kind of ridiculousness that men revel in. It is our language. It is the same as an out of shape dad claiming he could compete in the Olympics ‘if he had a couple of years to train for it’. It is the same as a group of men celebrating and commiserating great and not so great daps in prison. It is the venn diagram of bravado, humour, courage, aggression, and piss taking. To me, it is perfect.

And that is why the second viral moment of the week brought tears my eyes. It is of Tom Swarbrick talking about the great joy a man feels when he’s on the train for a weekend away with his mates. If you haven’t watched it, do so. It’s a beautiful and too easy to overlook speech about what it means for a man to spend time with his friends. Of course, many men still struggle to find connection. And that needs solving too. But for those who are lucky enough to have it, keeping it alive is vital. I could not agree more strongly with the sentiment in that video. I’m writing this on the train to London to have a few 0% beers in the sun with my mates, and I couldn’t be happier. We may well discuss which of us would be most effective in a brawl with a gorilla. For what it’s worth, I think I’d be selected in the combat group but don’t have enough physical clout to cause much concern to the gorilla.

And so, it falls to Jock Willink to once again encapsulate what I’m thinking. On a podcast with Steven Bartlett, who said that it’s never been so unclear how a man should show up right now, he asked the former Navy SEAL “What do you think a man should be?” Jocko, as is so often the case, answered the question perfectly; “Do we really not know?”

I think we do. And I think too many men are being led astray.

We can all be the role models that are being asked for. We all have the chance to offer kindness, to friends and strangers alike. To use our inherent masculine strengths and traits wisely and with care, but use them nonetheless. To not let them go to extremes in any direction, for that serves no one.

Revel in the ridiculous debates. Spend time, in person, with those who matter. And little by little, man by man, we can reclaim what we’ve lost.