The Girl On The Train

In a week where all the talk was on Netflix, a chance encounter dragged me back into the real world of men.

Last week, as everyone, everywhere has been talking about Adolescence, I was dragged into the manosphere in a different way, with a stark reminder of the world women live in when they can’t trust the men around them.

Whilst travelling home from an event, I was waiting to depart my train at Bracknell when I was tapped on the shoulder by a young woman. It was late and dark, about eleven at night, and the carriage was deserted apart from the two of us.

As I took my headphones out, I noticed for the first time just how nervous she was. She was shaking, had tears in her eyes, and her words when they eventually came, came in starts. “There’s a weird guy in the next carriage,” she said. “He keeps winking and smiling at me and it’s making me really nervous.” “OK,” I said, “in the next carriage?” It was then I realised she’d left that carriage so that she didn’t have to leave the train at the same time as him. She confirmed that’s where he was but didn’t say anything else, though her eyes continued to fill with tears and her nerves were palpable.

“It’s ok,” I said, “walk off with me and we’ll walk out of the station together.” At this point, I was wondering what it was about me that made me approachable. I was still a stranger, a male stranger, and at five feet five, I’m hardly the brawler you’d look to fend off a threat. However, for some reason, I was approachable enough and presumably less of a threat than the other male stranger gesturing to her in another carriage.

As we stepped off the train together and walked along the platform, we kept our eyes on the doors ahead of us to see if this man was getting off too. Walking past her previous carriage, we saw the coward still seated, thankfully, and as the train took him away from us, we made our way to the exit.

We kept chatting, she didn’t have money for a taxi, and I asked her if she wanted me to walk her home. She didn’t, and in a clumsy attempt to change the subject and lighten the mood, I asked her what she’d been up to that day. She’d been at college, and when I asked where that was, she paused, before saying nervously that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me. I kicked myself for not being more tactful with my question; a young woman experiencing the emotions that she was, understandably, didn’t want a stranger asking her where she was educated. In the space of a few minutes I had flipped from an approachable man who could help her, to yet another perceived threat.

I apologised, changed the subject again, and asked once more if I could walk her home, which she declined. She said thank you, we said our goodbyes, and as she walked off into the night I was reminded of the powerful conversation between Jocko Willink and Jason Wilson. Listen to the whole thing for some incredible insights, but this part is at 1:30:06 . Jocko asked Jason when the last time was that he was personally afraid for his own safety. Jason pauses, and recalled an instance five years ago. Jocko rightly goes on to say that women experience this all of the time: “Females they’ll go oh yeah, two days ago….I walked outside…and the street light had gone off. Like, that’s very common for them”. These are powerful men, acknowledging the fact that women have to contend with this in a way that men don’t.

True power, and healthy masculinity, lies in recognising one’s own strengths and using those in defence of others.

I never think twice about walking home from the station in the dark, even as a smaller man. It doesn’t mean I’m not at risk, it’s just that the risk is lower and what risk does exist doesn’t occur to me. I go running at night by myself, I walk home at night by myself, and for some reason, I am also approachable enough for a young woman who doesn’t feel comfortable doing the same to ask for help. Until, of course, I wasn’t.

There’s been a lot of talk about positive male role models, and the need for young boys to have positive examples to look to. And that is true. But I think in grasping for solutions in a huge and complex problem, we forget the power we have in ourselves.

Tolstoy: Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself.

There are systemic changes that need to be made to help our boys and young men. And many great people are working on this. What can’t be missed though, is the agency we all have to think about the environments we create around us. You can make sure that you’re the man that women, and young men and boys for that matter, come to for help, not the man they leave the carriage for.

Recognising the power we have to work on ourselves, recognising the inherent privileges of being a man whilst accepting the challenges too, is true power. We owe it to ourselves and the women around us, to be the role models others need when they look for good men.